i'm waiting for the day livejournal closes up shop and i find my profile has been deleted. til then i will keep writing to myself on the internet. it's 3:30 am and i cannot sleep. i really want to smoke a cigarette even though i can smell the gross butts in the ashtray on the table next to me and i know it will keep me awake even longer and make my foot shake. i'm not gonna smoke one. i hate red wine but i bought a bottle for 500-en and i keep drinking it down and making a face to the dismay of everyone in my apartment. so, to my dismay. my teeth always get stained and chalky. i'd much rather white. it reminds me of ice cubes and crispy chips or pistachios or something. i'm alone as shit. i don't talk or interact with other human beings other than seven year old japanese children and the guys at 7-11. they are pretty cute and sit on my lap and play with my hair and such. the children, not the guys at 7-11. although i would probably ask one or two of them to have a beer with me if i knew how to invite someone to have a beer. why do i always lay on my stomache after eating? why am i typing nothing to nobody in this stupid box? i am writing a lot, that's for sure. henry chinaski has really got me going. so does the wind here and the earthquakes and my balcony and the pacific ocean. i always want more. why am i always planning the next meal and smoke and lesson and phone call and body movement and email and plane ticket and degree? it seems detrimental to living harmoniously. does it ever work out that shit just happens and i don't have to fuckin plan ahead for it? i don't have a goddamn planner for a reason so why do i always have to be in tomorrow and next week and five years from now in my mind? it's not very peaceful. not at all.